A few nights ago, I found myself standing outside on the deck staring up at the stars. The Big Dipper shone bright, and I found myself remembering the story I learned as a child about how the position of the constellation corresponds with the seasons. The starry cup dips below the horizon in the fall, filling with the waters of the ocean. It freezes in the winter, so when the dipper tips on its side as it rises, the water stays put. In the spring, the dipper turns upside down, pouring its contents on the earth, and the summer months are spent dipping back toward the earth to refill. For some reason, it made me sad to remember this. I’m not sure if it’s the reminder of the cycles of nature and the passage of time, or the fact that I would never get to share all my useless knowledge of astrological folklore.
I had really been doing well lately, able to string together a couple of really good days in a row– maybe even a week here or there. And then we went to a birthday party for our friends’ one-year-old daughter and the floodgates opened. I’d been able to spend time with Gabby over the last 3 months and was able to handle it pretty well, but the party was too much. We got there early in the hopes that we would make it before most of the little ones, but within a few minutes we were surrounded, and I just couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t anything with the kids- just a reminder of what I was missing. We ended up having to leave fairly soon after that.
Today, we were invited to lunch this weekend with some friends with a newborn daughter, and I broke down at the very thought. Again, it was the reminder. I’m not sure I could hold her, or even see her, without being reminded of Austin and how tiny he had seemed as well.
I guess it’s only fitting that I can’t seem to stop crying at the moment. I’ve done really well the last few weeks. I guess my emotions are just catching up with me.
The Big Dipper and Little Dipper are both part of another set of constellations: Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, better known as Big Bear and Little Bear. One of the Native American myths tells how a mother bear and her baby bear were in the woods Hunting. The baby bear wandered off. Distraught, the mother searched and searched, forgoing all else in pursuit of her baby, who she ever found. The sky gods, feeling for her loss, reunited the mother bear and baby bear by lifting them to the sky as constellations.
This story, told to me on a planetarium trip in elementary school, just came to me while I was finishing up this post. Perhaps consciously I’ve found the source of my sadness.
- Marci