Yesterday Scott started getting rid of the flowers we’ve been sent over the last week. They were starting to droop and die, and I think just having them around was reminding him more and more of Austin’s passing. I think too that putting the vases in a garbage bag and slamming it into the ground a few times helped as well. For me, though, the house feels a little bit emptier, less vibrant. It’s almost like a little bit of Austin was erased as well. I know it’s completely illogical to think that because the flowers were dying anyway and really they had nothing to do with Austin’s life, only his death, but then again, logic doesn’t seem to have much to do with the emotions I’ve been feeling.
I woke up this morning from an odd dream. I was at my parents’ house and it was still the house I had grown up in with a number of apple trees stretching across the back property line, but the trees were growing all kinds of tropical fruit (oranges, bananas, pineapples). I was helping them get the house ready for some event they were planning, but my dad wanted to know where the baby was. He kept asking me why I hadn’t picked him up from daycare, but for some reason, I couldn’t vocalize what had happened, that the baby was gone.
I have some guesses what it could mean, if it means anything at all. All I do know is that when I woke up, the loss felt fresh all over again.
Hopefully we’ll hear from the funeral home today that the cremation has been taken care of and Austin can come home. I try not to think about him being there all alone. And I really want to see the pictures that were taken at his birth. That time we got to spend with him simply felt too short. I want to see my baby boy again.
- Marci